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04-19-20 07:32 AM
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Main - Lt. General Forum - The story of my failures New reply

Thierry
Posted on Mon 04/06/20 12:32 AM Link | Reply | ID: 156500




Posts: 3442/3444

Since: 03-20-13

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The story of my failures


I want some closure. I've been thinking of doing this for a long while.
This is going to be a long thread. This post is self-degrading, as it exposes all my flaws. If you had a good opinion of me, this will be short-lived. If you didn't, well, enjoy.

I'm doing this because I owe many people an explanation, and I've been trying to put back together the whole scenario the way I witnessed it. Throughout THE ENTIRETY of this post I have been struggling to figure out what I wanted to say, what I wanted to admit, what people I wanted to name, and so on.
My memory is fading extremely fast, and this motivated me to write all of this before I forget. I've already lost many details, forgot to mention some that are crucial for understanding, and so on. This is only going to worsen, so I'm acting now.

Disclaimer, this post is hard to respond to as a whole. There's a lot of backstory, I just wrote everything on my mind. I'm sick of holding everything in, of cycling these thoughts endlessly.
I'm gong to describe just what my life has been up to this point. I'm pointing out what I see; I'm pointing out the problems, the root causes, and what I can discern from all this.

Oh yeah, and if you're that person.. just know that my decision to post this here has nothing to do with your reaching for me.


School. Immature Personality. The Stagnation. My social life.<<<

My stance


If I were to sum up my situation right now, I'd say everybody's going places, achieving things and getting somewhere in life. Many of my old acquaintances from my first ROMhacking boards have become something big or have gotten involved in big communities, to become important pillars over the years. The more I hear of people I never thought I'd see ever again, the more I'm surprised of what they have become. I can't give examples for the sake of privacy, but nearly so many have become something significant.

Everybody's doing things, getting on with thier life, succeeding or working thier way through to get what they want. I'm not saying all are now big figures, but many of them are. Even my best friend- he's amazing. He's always had many connections, but he's truly become highly regarded among his group of artists.

...


And then, there's me. I see myself as a pile of wasted opportunities. I've wanted to begin so many things over the years. Like heck, I've wanted to release all of my garbage music, I've wanted to begin coding, I've wanted to form a group with all of the scattered acquaintances I've had.
I lost so much time. I may be young still, but in terms of personal achievements I've got nothing to show, and I feel like I'm getting old. The more I watch others, the more inferior and guilty I feel.

I call this stagnating. I can't bring myself to move forward, and it's been a big actor in my first panic attack ever.

These issues stretch to school as well. I'm stagnating at everything, being a disappointment to my parents.
You'd think this situation would motivate somebody to begin doing things to try and change that, but no. I've been lacking the drive to do anything for so long. Instead I fall back to distractions, time-consuming videogames, or just plain fucking around on pc in general. All in all, doing nothing meaningful. My sleep schedule is messed up, and my long-term memory keeeps being impacted by the unhealthy lifestyle. I can't remember what I did the day before yesterday. I can't remember what I did a week ago. I can't remember what I think I do everyday.
That's a lot of noticing things and not a lot of acting. But you have to understand that these span across huge amounts of time.

Be it related to school or my social life, I am stuck in a loop of stressing the hell up, going insane, having a fit and breaking down in front of my family, set myself to bring change, only to fail to do so and end up repeating the loop with no improvement. Rinse and repeat. I can't keep up like this. I don't know how to force a change and how to change myself. Deep down I don't want to tie myself to unrealistic levels of effort compared to how little I do now.

I'll explain where all of this comes from shortly.


"Just go see a therapist then"


Seeing a therapist is something I've attempted (although for other reasons) in the past, and frankly.. while I respect thier profession, I haven't had success with the one I've seen.

I'm wondering if I have undiagnosed "mental issues" developped over the span of years. I'm afraid to get myself checked because I've been convinced my whole life that all that is wrong with me is due solely to my broken lifestyle and my mindset. As far as I know I'm not autistic, I don't have innate mental issues that would justify seeking help. I couldn't justify it to my parents either.
I've talked to my mom about seeing a psychologist at some point, but my experience with one was just.. it didn't help. It felt like talking to an uninvolved external party, and kind of a brick wall. That was the psy my dad had me see once I came out to him as trans. Explaining the context to the psy was hardly possible, not orally. I ran out of things to say so quickly, I didn't know what I wanted to say anymore. More than anything, I wanted a response to what I'd been saying, an opinion, any type of feedback. I told him so, and he said he's not supposed to be the one speaking.
That's.. not a conversation, then. How do you want me to consult you if you give me nothing to go off of? I really can't speak to the void.


School


I've grown up in a sheltered environment, and my school experience has been a failure as I see it. For the bigger part of my school life, I've been homeschooled. And trust me, that can fail harder than your average school.

Homeschool doesn't teach you self-management. All it did in my case was take away freedom; piles of undone homework leading to being chained down to a table all day long. You'd think not having to walk to school and deal with teachers would be a blessing, but you'll find yourself growing lethargic in no time, til you lose control and things go haywire. Now IF you're fully autonomous, then yeah homeschooling might work. I wasn't, and I still fail to be.

In all of this mess, I grew up "missing" several years of school as a homeschooled, loner kid. I'm far behind the level I should be at in most subjects. I'd like to fix that, but this lack is a hole I can't just fill through willingness alone. My parents couldn't take it anymore, and last year we collectively decided to let me enroll in a school that accepts failures and tries to help them catch up. At least that was the idea.

So the school I joined has high stakes (mostly for me), and suddenly coming back to school was both messy and stressful. The school was advertized as a higher-tier school that follows the students through closely. That's what they told us directly, and what was on the pamphlet they handed us.
Turns out, while some of the teachers are really good, that advertizement is just selling the dream. The school is tiny, some of those "handpicked" teachers are butts, and they don't really help you catch up. For how high the school values itself and considering the price we paid.. overall, it wasn't how I expected it to be. I was disappointed since we paid 8000+ euros for this shit. I doubt I'd be taken much anywhere else, but this school's fancy advertizement is embellished for sure.

I am far behind the expected level for my class in several subjects. I've been trying to pull through, but I need to work twice as hard only to get meager results. I don't have this ease even the slackers have.
tldr;I'm really out of the loop socially and academically.

This school could work a lot better if not for a certain, major issue.
The majority of students are slackers who make a racket during class (or during literally all tests) and put no effort. All. They do. Is disturb. Our class is the worst out of the whole school, they ruin everything for the ones that want to at LEAST succeed. But even the ones that actually do work are not that invested in school either. Nobody gives thier all to better themselves, this situation is the opposite of motivating. The students are by far the worst part of this school.
I cannot count on them as support, the ones that seem serious are in the end a mere facade. I'm one of them, but not willingly.

I have my own issues aside from being very late and lost. For one, since I've been lone for a large portion of my life, I lack certain social skills and am less experienced than my peers regarding things I should know, had I lived a "normal" life. I hardly have any visions for my future beyond finishing school already. I've had the vague idea of working as a dev later, but I lack knowledge about the work environment and the connections I should make this old dream doable. I'm setting myself up for failure.

Suddenly coming back to school, especially that one in particular, turned my daily life upside down; it's the bigger half of my accumulated stress. Failing to answer expectations gives me loads of anxiety and the mental degradation upon failing my teachers is not something I know to manage. Fuck you, Italian teacher. I know I suck.


My Personality


I grew up with a cool but shy personality as a result of staying at home all the time. Once you get to know me however, I'll tend to mess around like a child as if to catch up for all these years of being unable.

As a kid I was bored, a lot. Could rarely go out, wasn't motivated to do chores, had no organization, and already had a history of failing my parents: staying up at night, not cleaning up our room, etc. What I was less aware of is that I lacked social interaction, I lacked the opportunity to play with kids my age. That's why I was bored out of my mind. Playing alone with toys was never filling. It's no wonder I was so attracted to the internet once I realized you could hang out with people that way.
This lack affects me even now. When I get close to somebody, I enter unexplored territory real fast. A good example of that was when I first met people online: I spammed them retarded shit like a complete child. This old example really illustrates what I mean.
I have yet to grow out of this kind of "jumpy" behavior even after so many years.

There's that.. but I've also got issues with my large social inexperience. IRL I have trouble fitting in groups, and our interests rarely overlap. Upon trying to talk about something, all that comes out are silly jokes or irrelevant subjects. I can't respond to people spontaneously unless I'm really comfortable. I can't take part in thier jokes, nor can I join serious conversations. I just sit there awkwardly like I don't exist. There's a lot of common knowledge and culture I lack.
I dread the oh-so-common line of "oh, you've never done x?". Yeah, I haven't. Yeah, I'm not into stereotype hobbies. Yeah, I don't watch typical movies. Yeah, I don't listen to your music. YEAH, I KNOW I'M A BORING PERSON.


Online, I may be able to give profound advice sometimes. However, these are only my ideals paired with simple thinking. I find myself "inexperienced" mentally speaking just as much as I am socially; in other words, immature for my age.

I don't see myself as a functional adult at all.
-I am still stuck in school from years and years of being held back due to lack of results. I should long be OUT OF THIS SHIT already.
-I don't have a job or even a part-time job; which means no way to make money and support my family at all.
-I don't have the means to get a job or any connections whatsoever. I lack knowledge of how to function in society.
-I CANNOT stand up on my own as of now (unprepared, clueless, still busy with school, etc), and still live at my parents' despite my age. This one may be okay for now, but it still counts.
-I am not a responsible person: I came to this conclusion after letting down so many, failing to hold my word so many times, and above all failing my responsibilities as a student and as a son over the years. The phrase that stuck to me was "look, all these parents are talking about how proud they are of thier children. I can't do that."
I, cannot make my parents proud. I fail to even control myself. I tried to call for support to at least control myself through a proxy to defeat my slacking self, I tried both online and irl.
It failed.

There's more I'm probably forgetting. There's this sense of worthlessness over not being a functional individual, constantly haunting me. I do not feel like an adult with responsibilities, that much's for sure.


Self-management, or lack thereof


I've also grown up with consoles (and later computers) at hand's reach, so I've easily grown to be a massive slacker when left alone. It's pathetic but I cannot break free from this.

During any breaks, my bad habits rise up again and I turn into one massive procrastinator. I lose myself to those habits I acquired over years of essentially flaking school: I become less lucid, my motivation dies down and my priorities turn backwards. I don't put my work first, and this gets me into trouble.
My sleep schedule is massively impacted by said habits during breaks (the loop of stay up -> sleep half of the day -> repeat), and my schedule is all over the place. My memory's not in order and I lose track of days.

The reason I picked up such procrastination habits is linked to homeschool. I wish as a kid I'd learned to finish my work fast to free myself from it.. I only knew to play around run for distractions, so I have trouble focusing. This made the school hours stretch across entire days of being forced not to go play until I was done (I was never done), and it only made me run away even more. Videogames were addicting, and I was the type to play for extended periods of time.
Such shitty habits are deeply rooted, and as a student who was blessed with ready access to education I feel ashamed. I wasted the assets spent on me to those habits. I can't take back what I just let happen.

The problem now I am back to school is how easily I still lose to them, especially when paired with other issues. So far all of my breaks have been terrible, to the point I'd look forward to getting back to school.
At the end of each break, I've had a fit of despair. Every. Single. Break. It was impacted by stress over having lost two weeks I was convinced I'd use to catch up, as well as not having done the work to turn in, and other circumstances pitching in like the collaspe of my social life that one time. Cool.

For those times I break down in front of my family, each one of my panic attacks led to a subsequent discussion, both for me to release my pent-up feelings but also in order to try and find some way to force a change. Vague plans are made, and life just rolls as normal.
Whatever measures we took would soon fail, and I have yet to find a fix. I believe my lack of self-control, prioritizing and awareness can be considered a sort of "mental blockage". During and after a breakdown, I become surprisingly lucid. My thoughts are in order, my priorities make sense and I am fueled with motivation to push a change. This doesn't last.
Nevertheless, it shows that under the right circumstances I CAN be functional to an extent. I mean, while I'm at school I'm like a completely different person. I fight for my fucking life. I don't know WHY I just have to be a dead pile of waste while at home. The contrast led me to hate the way I am even more. I've developped a mental barrier I have yet to overcome, and it's impeding both school and my personal projects. Every single one of them has completely halted.

Everytime I'm about to go on break, I convince myself I learned from last time, I will not allow this to happen again- I will stop being a disappointment. And yet, every single time, I fail. Why? I can't blame circumstances everytime, so I'm conflicted because I just can't snap out of this.. I don't know how to even call this. It's my slacker mood, I suppose. And it's the default.
As of late, different issues chimmed and completed my collection of breaks that ended with failure. My latest break before the crapovirus was the perfect example of that.

I mean, oh boy. That time I broke down at school? I never want to live through THAT again.


Summary: I've got deep-rooted self-control issues. I'm a master procrastinator by trade, and I'm stagnating at everything because I can't drive myself to snap out of it and achieve anything. If forcing my way to getting ahold of myself requires screaming for help online, I'll do just that. I have things I want to do that have been on hold for so many years, and I want to finally do them.


Social life, oh social life


Question: how do you social life when you're alone all the time? The answer is: the Internet. Yknow, the thing that ruined your childhood. The only people you see irl are ones you don't want to associate with, so you're going to fall back to the internet eventually. The internet enables you to find people with the same interests, because they're looking for the same things than you are. In my case, this was ROMhacking.

There, I met my all-times best friend, along with other people. I saw folks come and go, and had a rather fun roster of friends to hang out with. Some were a little deranged, but we had fun nonetheless.
Fast forward to 2015 though 2019. The tide of people moving on and vanishing was only increasing. I myself started to settle down and become less proactive, having moved on from modding.
As 2019 came along, I truly began to realize how my friend circle had shrunk down to a few people and groups. I had acquaintances and I heard news of old acquaintances I used to know from my best friend, but I began to feel a lack. I wasn't especially close to most of the people I had left, and I needed to talk to more people the way I did with my friend. Only out of all the ones I had friended on Discord, I only knew few of them well.
And I came to find out that for some, I really didn't know them.


This period is when I started to become active on a certain Discord server I'll call 18's Discord. Just like most people, I've been part of discords I don't talk in. Well I started to speak in that one. And that group is the last I tried to invest myself into.
In said group, I made some friends. It's not like I was into everyone on there, but the ones I befriended I didn't regret. As we grew closer and talked more often, my social life began to go forward again. This compensated the lack I felt, the shrink of my social circle. By this point, I'd stopped talking to others I realize I could've. It was just me and a handful of friends.

February of 2020 rolls by, and the stage was set. A best friend, a "close friend", and the three new friends from that group I'd befriended recently.
And more than anything, a lack of awareness.


Me, the Big Bad Wolf


Ever noticed I'm kind of an airhead? Yeah, I am. I'll often do silly things or act on a whim, not realizing the long-term consequences. And consequences there are.

I mentionned my best friend earlier, I really shared so much with them over the years. They're an essential part my life.
From messing around and being idiots to relating to eachother's pains, we were in tune. We had met back in 2012, and during all those years we barely had fights. We were honest to eachother in ways we would never be with anybody else. In a way, they meant everything to me. They live in a faraway, unsafe country with some questionable morals, so I'm always worried things will go south and we will lose contact. To me, this person illustrates best what a true friendship is like.

With the other 'close friend' I had, things were different. I thought I knew them, but it turns out I didn't. My "interaction" with them was flawed from the start.

I will tell you a litte bit about them. Unlike me, they have gone to a normal school, lived a "normal life", acquired sufficient social skills, and have been into many online groups I was never part of. They were a fucking god at games like Smash and were well into communities centered around games like those. Unlike me, they were "experienced" like a normal person. It took me a while to realize they were younger than me, they always felt like the older and more mature one. I was more of a pushover.

Some of you people on Kafuka have seen the way I pass around pictures, right? I'm like your local dealer of random cute pictures. To Nicole, I would pass catgirl pictures I stumble upon, for example.
With said "other friend" , what I would do is the same. Times 100. I shared more pics with them than I interacted with them at all. Where's the logic in that? Well, it was like a flirting game for us, using art pics as material; except I got carried away in no time. I suck at DMing people one-on-one, and it shows. Don't know what to talk about? Send a random pic! ....always choosing the easy way out like this, was a dead flaw. Our DMs were always the same. A few pictures, a funny response, repeat. I didn't know what to talk about with them because I didn't know them well, and somehow this didn't register in my brain until way too late.
I wish I'd actually tried to know them more, to hold meaningful conversations, to assist them them more with thier issues.. I just missed my chances entirely from start to finish. And for what? A meaningless game.

Eventually, most of our DMs were only that. Pics and reactions. Where's the actual talk? Where's the getting to know one another? That's my first regret, not interacting with them normally, not getting to know them, failing to be a friend. We may have messed around for years and years, but I didn't know them. I learnt more about them once I lost them, than I did back when we were friends.

And yet. This unhealthy and silly routine was the minor part of what led to our downfall. Because the flirting was not limited to random art pics. As time went on, the constant pickup lines and the calling eachother husband and wife became.. more real. I considered meeting up, and that idea evolved along with our relationship growing increasingly dangerous. Because yep, I took the flirts seriously and reciprocated. More and more seriously. We'd already talked of lewding eachother, I was actually starting to build up mental plans of doing things For Real. And being the Very Intelligent Fuck I was, I told them that. I made it to be like an offer: if you want this, I want this.
That's.. not how it must've looked from thier end at all. It's merely the way I viewed things all this time. Apparently, instead I was increasingly imposing myself on them more and more. They started to grow distant while I only got worse. After a while, these ideas and the risque things we'd been doing started to get to them. They came to realize how wrong it was and how they didn't want this. They were conflicted, because they wanted to end the but not the . If we had just talked more, I'm sure they would have told me they felt this uncomfortable. Eventually, in August 2019, they told me to hit the books romantically.
I didn't take it well, but what I was told at the time specifically was: "I'm not into you", along with the request to stop the lewd pics. I complied.

After that, we basically parted ways and only came back into contact much later. But they were still agonizing over it. They didn't truly believe it was over. We talked again a while later, and had a screenshare of random pc stuff; among which, were, pics. I broke the agreement thoughtlessly, as a one-time-thing.

What was the source of thier massive anxiety about the flirting, the risque interaction getting increasingly real, the way I was planning to take it to real life? One simple thing. He's a minor, and I wasn't anymore. So let me get this straight: I flirted with a minor. I, a "grown adult" with the mindset of an immature twerp, hit on a minor. I had disregarded age, to the point of forgetting since I was the immature one that acted as a pushover. I don't see myself as an adult, but that doesn't mean others don't either. My being a careless airhead and a pervert on top of that led to this heavily morally questionable situation. I never meant to harm anybody, but I did. And it would soon blow up into my back as retribution.

As time went on, while they kept to themselves, they would feel more and more disturbed about the age gap over what we did. They didn't want this. They didn't want such a relationship. And here I was, increasingly imposing myself on them like a jackass. I let go upon our "break up", but the harm done didn't end there. It grew into heavy discomfort, which then turned into trauma.


February 14


The day of my worst panic attack yet, the day where everything was at stake and where the curtain fell.

Point of note; this is BIASED according to my POV at the time and my jagged memory. Do not take all of this as FACTS. And also, it is very very dramatical as this was exactly how I was at the time.


A few days prior. I go offline for a while due to other business. What I'm blissfully unaware of is that things were happening behind my back. My two friends, who consulted eachother in my absence, talked it out and came to the only logical conclusion: "Let's silently block him and leave every DM he is part in."
I wasn't there so they couldn't exactly talk to me about it, but what they did was essentially cutting me off completely without a word, not even a note upon my return.

It's a fair reaction. You aren't going to wait around for a predator. However, that did not go as planned.

Feb 14. I come online and notice something seems seriously off. On Discord, my two friends left every group I was in. All I know is that my closest friends suddenly blocked me without any warning or explanation.

The more I look into it, the worse it gets.
I hear word that they held some big grudge against me and spread the word to my entire remaining friend circle. OKAY, NOT GREAT. I tried to beg somebody for the details, and the more I found out, the more serious it seemed. I was told that the ones at the center of this (my friends) bore a massive grudge against me and that I had done some horrible sin. The one I heard this from was someone from 18's Discord, the last place I had left outside of my two friends. I was told they told the members across 18's Discord of what I had done, in private. I sent one message on said Discord before I was blocked by my friend.

I was panicking like mad. I didn't know what all of this was about, all I knew is that something blew up in my back and my friends suddenly hated me, quarantined me all over the place, and prevented the people around them from saying anything. I was told there was a freaking NDA put in place to prevent the people that were told about it from disclosing anything. That's how serious it was. The person I talked to in particular seemed very torn between fearing to betray them, and wanting to tell me everything for how badly I was doing at the time.

The more I was told, the more I truly panicked more than I ever had. So much in my life revolved around them, I couldn't bear to lose them. I was suddenly ostracized by friends I never thought I'd lose, ESPECIALLY my best friend. I had to fight just to get either a full explanation or a way to establish, for they were making the people from 18's server withhold information.
Long story short, all I still knew is that my best friends of forever were grudging on me like mad, and spread the matter to 18's Discord, the place where my other friends were. That's why I was quarantined.
And that's it. All of sudden, I had lost all my close friends, all of my new friends, everybody I damned talked to, all at once. My best friend I depend so much upon, as much as the other one, and all of my new friends from 18's group...
I was at rock bottom at that moment. I had yet to know of my guilt, all that was on my mind was.. the loss. At the very, very least I couldn't imagine life without my best friend. That was the pinnacle of my stress at that time.


I had one last resort: take it public to force through the wall they built. Get a response. That's exactly what I did.

Posted by Thierry, in the previous thread I posted here
what did I do that triggered all this? was it something I even meant to do? was it something I never even noticed? I'm not getting any answers. I left for a while as to not get involved with a certain someone, and came back to find myself.. blocked, quarantined, banned.
how do you expect me to react? how do you expect me to take it? how do you expect me to understand what happened if you give me nothing??

I beg you.. please just TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.


if I have some serious reflecting to do, then I'd rather be aware of what I did.
I don't have any ways to deal with this sudden loss without a word. there was no talks, no goodbyes, nothing. I just stopped existing entirely. what's more, the way you did it.. I cannot comprehend. banding up, forbidding members of your newly founded front to speak, and then placing the oblivious target in quarantine?? just.. why ?
why do it like this? why not talk it out or.. I don't know, I'm not even asking for a chance to come back I just need answers.

I'm at loss with my feelings as much as I am at loss of what to do.

I cannot recover from this. I have to point out that losing a friend you had for seven years out of nowhere over unclear reasons is not gonna just.. work out. you want me gone and you don't tell me straight up WHY. this hurts more than anything else. I can only see this as unfair, you gave me nothing to understand your point of view.
how, HOW do you expect me to understand?? am I supposed to just shut up and go die??

I'm sorry, I may be an annoying asshole but I didn't mean harm to anyone. I'm in total incomprehension and your top priority is to push me away and be secretive of the details to the point of chaining neutral parties to abide your choices. W H Y??? what WAS the intent? why now? why like this?


The day later, I finally got a response: on Kafuka via PM, no less. It had succeeded. Said response was worded gently, with a lot of attention and care not to hurt my feelings.
But, this wasn't enough. They didn't give me the whole picture, especially regarding the method and the spread. With more some more pushing, I managed to establish dialogue between me and my two ex-friends. And unlike the nice PM, it was harsh.



After a long and heated discussion, it became clear I had hurt them deeply through my previous actions without realizing, and this was retribution. Talking it over would not undo the harm that was done. I felt guiltier than ever, and on that note we parted ways.
What followed, I can only describe as my wasting away in depression, with frequent bouts of crying over many, many conflicting feelings. The reality of what had happened sipped in.

I tied loose ends as best as I could, even contacting that one to ensure they read it (pissing them off in the process). Because this, was my message of farewell to them.

this is uncalled for, but I wanted to reassert a couple things.

when it comes to I have all kinds of mixed feelings, but when comes to you.. towards you I feel only guilt. I wanted to say this because I utterly failed to express myself appropriately last time we talked. if anything, what I said last time sounds like mere excuses and I hate that.

I failed to be aware of the harm I caused from A to Z in all the time we spent together.
I put my thoughts in order, and this time I intend to formally assume my guilt for all of our history. From our toxic casual interaction (brainless flood of pics on my part, followed by lewd pics) to things like my imposing myself on you like a jackass, disregarding age and really just.. being a pushover.
I didn't mean to be a predator, but to this day I can't tell if I was. I don't see myself touching you if you don't want this.
I was blissfully unaware of the weight of my actions, but this does little to excuse my behavior and my acts.

First and foremost, I apologize for ALL of these shenanigans. I don't mean to patch things up, but I do want to take responsibility for however much I can. From the start my way of interacting with you was wrong. I wish I'd just talked to you, instead. Too late now.

I've hurt you, and yet for all these years we spent together I have hardly begun to know you. There's more I don't know about you than however much I do. I was not a real friend; and this says a lot about how bad the relationship was.
I have to apologize specifically for not paying attention to the age gap; Stupid as it sounds, I failed to think of you as young and myself as old. My lack of social awareness and restraint is to blame. On top of that, I considered us long-time internet friends who were already screwed up beyond normal boundaries, and brushed off my doubts with that petty excuse. I didn't consider myself old, but I *am* old. Those are facts.

If I recally correctly, last time I mentioned our previous flirting as a prime reason for my.. dangerous attachment towards you. Frankly speaking, I have never felt romantic love; instead, I'd crave some sort of relationship. This was slightly, but nonetheless definitely, separate from my just being a hypersexual hothead.

As I said, towards you I feel only guilt. I never really knew you, and of all the feelings only guilt was left in the end. Towards how things went however, I feel regret. If I had just acted normally instead of just picking the easy way and spamming pics, maybe I'd have gotten a friend. You have your values, and I have mine. We could've learned from eachother, but I chose this path. I call this a freaking waste.


Aware of my actions or not, I certainly agree that I took things too far. I can't look back to the time I proposed do things without feeling nausea-like disgust. That shit was super duper aaaaa. After our "breakup" I dropped all of those "plans". When I enrolled into my current school, I changed significantly, moved on and left those deslusions behind. HOWEVER I completely failed to inform you that I did, and just let you suffer from the aftermath.

It is my opinion that, despite you being "in on it" in the earlier stages of our flirting, you do not need to share the blame for the things that followed, which I pushed onto you. My responding in kind to the flirting and going beyond that was my initiative, so it's all on me to pay up. I mean it. I may be fucked up but at least I won't fucking blame you for things outside your control if it's the last thing I do.

This whole ordeal is just.. regrettable from beginning to end.

We're not friends anymore.

Due to the spread of information, the grudge appeared to be widespread from what I could tell. There may tons of other people out there, but my social life ended right there and then. Without these guys to count on, I'm sorry but I've got nobody. The core of my social life collasped in one night, I couldn't talk to anybody I wanted. I was very lost, and just.. done.


I don't know what I'll do. My remaining social circle was already dwindling, and now I've suddenly lost the very core of my social life. What hit me the most was the sudden harsh loss of my best friend I've had for seven years. They were what kept me sane. Not only that, but in thier effort to quarantine me over thier heartfelt grudge, they have spread the word of it as justification of why I should be banned. This spread cut off all my means, as well as eradicating my remaining relationships.
Through my efforts to bypass the quarantine as well as the kafuka post, I have managed to strike a conversation with the people involved at the core of this mess, privately in order to determine what was going on, as they were withholding all information for some ungodly reason.
What I deduced is that I unconsciously and carelessly hurt them. At its worst, it generated long-lasting effects such as an invasive dread surrounding me. They couldn't speak about it, but in the end it was my fault and only mine. We talked it over, and I was on the defensive the whole time. Needless to say, we're not friends anymore. While I felt just as ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE after this, it's still no comparison to the massive panic attacks that struck during the "quarantine". They finally, finally gave me something.
I can only cope with my feelings by drowning them out through indulging in whatever I can. Having these feelings in the first place doesn't feel legitimate at all: I am the guilty party in this. What this means is that these are crocodile tears, and the ones that should be crying are the ones I've hurt, not ME.
So much throughout my life was centered around them, every single idea of all the things I had planned to enjoy with them in the future just vanished.


I spent my days doing nothing, alone, disconnected with the world. I got the feeling my family got the memo, because by oddly enough they did not pester me to death.
I stopped taking care of myself at all, and my health reflected that shortly. All the while I was thinking about all that happened from all points of view.

"It wasn't just that blunder. My relationship with them was toxic from the very beginning. I failed to be a friend. I disgusted them so much. They hate me. I want to talk to them. I want to finally know them. Oh my god I didn't even know they were a..! They look like they're having so much fun, only when I turn up they frown and turn thier back. I mustn't talk to them. I mustn't talk to them. I MUSTN'T TALK TO THEM. I will only dig myself deeper if I do.. God I want to talk to them so bad. Why do I crave them now after having left them alone for so long? Is it JUST because I wronged them? What do I FEEL towards them? What's thier point of view in all of this? Why didn't they tell me they were feeling this bad? Why, just why did it have to come to this?"
...and so on. This kept on for two weeks, I considered many angles, focusing on something different everytime; and yet I couldn't bring myself to accept what happened and move on. Instead I spend all of my time overthinking the hell out of it. I ended up having several subsequent bouts of mental overloads in the following week, and ended up involving my family. During all this time spent mourning I naturally failed the responsibility that is my homework. All of my prior preparations to not waste a break went down the shitter. I had not touched my pile of overzealous work from both my teachers and what I'd planned for myself to catch up. Nor did I work on fixing any of my flaws, lacks and drawbacks.

At the end of the week I started panicking for a much different reason: School. Because depression does not forgive my lack of work. Life doesn't stop for you, and I was too late. In a panic, I contacted all of my teachers by mail. All. The teachers. I didn't go into too much detail, but- I told them the whole story.

This halted the impending doom with some of them, and I survived; but not without losses. School continued, and but I needed a break. I'd just wasted one and I wanted a complete do-over. I wanted time to finally catch up, to finally float above the tide. Soon enough a certain pandemic answered my prayers and locked everyone in. I have not moved on nor gotten progress however. I'm still stuck to that day.


Scrolling back a little, though.. I ended up confronting the people from 18's Discord I truly cared about. I just somehow contacted them in the middle of my going insane. We talked via huge paragraphs through an exchange of text files across a webserver, and finally explained to eachother what our different points of view were. Turns out, both were lacking. There was more we didn't know about eachother's than we would've thought. I had overestimated the spread across 18's Discord, not ALL OF THE STAFF was told about what my friend suffered through. The ones who were told weren't given much details, either.

Quite frankly, I resented my friends from 18's. I had put so much trust into them, invested myself so much, to the point I considered us.. friends. And yet -from what I saw- they took my friend's word without a second thought, without consulting me or anything. These three may be "new friends", but we did spend a fair while together. They had become an important part of my life.
It quickly turned out they weren't told much, and were very, very clueless. My bitter grudge cooled down at the realisation, and turned to incomprehension, followed by a wave of relief. Unlike I had thought, they hadn't forsaken me. We just failed to communicate- and be informed.
I spent a long while trying to explain the whole ordeal, in an unbiased manner as much as I could make it, but still through the way I witnessed the event nonetheless. After some long storytelling on both sides, we grouped on Discord and from then on, I had friends to talk to again. This made a world of difference.

I'm never going back on the server, though. I have my reasons for that, and the quarantine was one of them. Towards the ex-friend I spoke so much about, I've been making an effort to avoid all communication.
The places we check overlap, I can't look at thier posts without feeling what I could only describe as a mix of grief, and nausea. Can't really explain it. In any case we both pretend the other doesn't exist. I had already long gone silent on kafuka, so this didn't make much of a change on the board; it kinda did on the Discord server, though. Then there's Kuribo64, and I just gave up posting anything over there.

Once I had stabilized sufficiently, I was still bothered by the fact that I wanted to talk to my ex-friend. I pondered over that for a while, my mindset being shaky and uncertain. Things have settled a bit, but they're never going back to the way they were before... be it good, or bad. I've reflected on what had happened all throughout, finally made the realisation to not underestimate such age gaps, and overall became.. much more paranoid and cautious. What I've learned from this I can't tell if it's good or bad anymore. I messed up big time, I got retribution, and yet I can't just let go of all this.
I was impacted by this event a lot, just as much as I had panicked, overreacted, and spent time overthinking the whole thing, to the point of driving myself mad. Just to make sure, I'm NOT trying to garner sympathy by saying this, only to assert something: I changed. I'm not the funny person you knew. Heck, amusingly I've become even more dull. Just less of a pushover.
All I can tell you for sure right now, is that I've become dramatical as fuck. And it's not helping with friends.
But more importantly and above all, no I'm not going to do this again, FOR GOD'S SAKE DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT US TO LIVE THROUGH THIS AGAIN?? LIKE FREAKING SERIOUSLY???


...that's a response to something that was said, you can tell.

----


As for my best friend.. well, they truly are a friend. We somewhat "patched things up", much thanks to them. Except the moment they refuse to answer, my anxiety pops up full force, imagining they got in trouble due to that killer out to get thier family or the COVID19 that could off them considering how poor thier health is.. that, or we clearly still aren't over this event. I can't just shake those thoughts off.

And now, I'm doing nothing. All over again. I have wasted- 3 weeks. This, this is the reason for this thread. I want to force a change even if it means offing myself socially.
I avoided giving names, so this post does not endanger the parties involved apart from myself. Please know that.


I thank you for your time. I might alter, add or revoke parts of this post accordingly to how things evolve from now on. Right now, I'm beyond lost for what to do, what I should do, and what I truly want out of all this.


AtomicAstro
Posted on Mon 04/06/20 03:12 AM Link | Reply | ID: 156506

Red Birdo
Handsome Gentleman
Level: 71


Posts: 2024/2115

Since: 08-05-17
From: Africa

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I cannot say I have a bad opinion of you from this post, since I can relate to many parts of what you've talked about here, too much so for me to dislike you on any level really. I'm not gonna try and be some selfish jackass and go "oh I totally understand how you feel 100%!!!!!!" because we are different people, and especially considering that I have no professional qualifications in psychology or anything of that nature it'd be simply foolish for me to do so. What I can say though, is that I don't dislike you as a result of anything you've said.

Funnily enough, I've actually always thought you were pretty cool. In fact, of everyone on here you were actually someone I wanted to get to know better and talk to more but I never really bothered to out of fear mostly. I always actually thought of you as one of the people who are well above me in every way, who will probably succeed way more than me and go on to live a nice and fulfilling life. To me, you always seemed like a cool, smart, and interesting person and I wouldn't say that perception has gone away upon reading this. You always stuck out quite a bit to me in a good way, so don't say you're boring or that you "just exist" or whatever. This probably sounds sappy and I probably would've been better off not saying this part or talking at all really, but seeing you say this stuff about yourself I just had to say that.

Losing friends is never a good thing, especially when you know you messed up to make those friends go away. I've experienced this far more than I care to admit in my own life, and while again, I don't intend to proclaim that I understand you 100% and I know everything about how you feel, I'd like to say this from my own experience. Online friends can be great, especially for people like you or me who have spent a lot of time behind a computer screen and aren't the greatest with real-world social interaction, and losing that is fucking painful. Even if you did something wrong you shouldn't say that your pain in losing these people has no value and dismiss it as mere "crocodile tears", because it hurts. It's a good thing that you're able to fairly evaluate both what you did wrong and what your group did wrong in handling the situation. You have a good sense of fairness. You said you were unsure whether or not you were good or bad. While no person is entirely good or bad, no bad person has a good sense of fairness and no bad person would ever take the time to ponder whether or not they're good or bad. No person is without their flaws, but I can safely say that judging by everything I have read, you aren't a bad person. I may not know much, but I say that with utmost confidence.

Now, I'd recommend taking everything I say next with a grain of salt given that I'm just some rando on a message board who probably has no idea what he's talking about, but perhaps some sort of schedule or just general stability will be of some help. You said that during school you're more capable of getting things accomplished than at home, claiming that you're almost like a different person there. Perhaps it may have something to do with the fact that it's more scheduled and stable. You'd be surprised how much scheduling can do to improve things for you, even if it may on the surface seem more "programmed". I'm terrible at this myself, since 99% of the time I end up fucking up whatever schedule I set myself and end up feeling worse about myself, so don't set unrealistic expectations on yourself when doing it. On the rare occasions in which I do end up doing things exactly as I plan them, exactly as I schedule them, it ends up feeling good. Again, take everything with a grain of salt and I do not claim to know how to fix your situation by any means, but I figured I'd throw it out there.

You shouldn't feel bad about not being able to relate to your peers, or not feeling "good enough" relative to most people. I'm aware that's easier said than done, I know what it's like to feel worse than everyone around you and to just stand idly by as if you don't exist all the time with no ability to interact with or relate to your peers. People develop at different speeds and if your profile is anything to go by you're 19 years old, which definitely isn't "old" as you said. When you grow up in an environment that doesn't really help to teach you much about the world, social interaction, and life skills, it's really no wonder you face these problems. I don't intend to dismiss what you say as "oh don't worry about it", you should acknowledge your faults and your problems and you clearly do that already. Now, I can offer very little in the way of solutions, since I have similar problems of my own that I've yet to find a good way to deal with, but another thing I'd really suggest is finding someone who cares enough about you to hear what you have to say on all of this who might be able to help you through it. You aren't a bad person and there is just too much potential within you for you not to get the help you deserve. Now obviously that's not easy and may not be readily available for you, I realize that. I'm not blind to the fact that it can seem damn near impossible to find anyone who can help, since I've also experienced this firsthand in my own life. But if you believe there is anyone, or just any way at all you can think of to get yourself some help then you absolutely should. Again, all I know of your situation is reading this post, so I do not claim to know how to fix your life or anything, but at the very least I can tell you that you deserve to get whatever help you may need.

I'm not sure how much of what I said will be of any value to you, and if it ends up being completely worthless or making you feel any worse in any way I'm sorry. I hope this helped in some way, even if in a small way, and I wish you the best in whatever you do and I hope you can find a way to help yourself or find people who can help you.

EDIT 2 4/6/2020: I wanted to say one last thing since I felt this wasn't made clear in the way I worded this post. I don't intend to downplay the seriousness of your offense of flirting with a minor as an adult. I have actually experienced this on the receiving end myself before, so I am definitely aware of the seriousness of this offense. While this is a serious offense, I don't believe it is irredeemable. That's mostly the message I was trying to get across in my initial post. You definitely did a bad thing, but even then I can't really see you as a bad person. All people are capable of doing shitty things, and nobody is an exception. I believe so long as you are aware of the seriousness of what you did and you never repeat that mistake again, and you use it to learn and grow from here, it is not an irredeemable or unforgivable offense. You seem to be aware of the consequences of your actions and you seem to be ready to accept them. I am the sort of person that likes to believe that people aren't beyond help, and I don't believe you are beyond help. That's all I really wanted to say.

____________________
Giant Paratroopa
Affected by 'Wooster Syndrome' ++++!!
Handsome Gentleman
7/23/18

Thierry
Posted on Fri 04/17/20 11:11 PM Link | Reply | ID: 156847


Level: 100


Posts: 3444/3444

Since: 03-20-13

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First off, you have my thanks for your reply. It may not look like it, but it makes a difference. Sorry for delaying my response; all I can tell you is that I'm lost emotionally as of now. The current theme would be..

"Everything is good but everything isn't."


Fair warning, this is definitely a rant.


As of late, this thread here has reached all parties involved during The Event, along with whoever else I intended for it to reach.
From there, there were some positive developments. Things were said, and communication was established once more. Progress. This does not mean we're friends again, but we're done with conflicts. No really, all that's left would be regret from all that played a part.
I can't say this matter is behind us, but the action is. Everything that was to be said, has been said. As far as I can tell, we're cool. Drop the curtain, this mess is over.

My best friend soon rejoiced, for this matter is "resolved".


So why am I still here?

-


Turns out, life doesn't change overnight even if you hit some insane luck. Upon posting this thread, I expected the outcome to be more or less equivalent to a social suicide. No matter the context, no matter your reasons, admitting to grooming one of your closest friends is pretty much a death warrant. As much as I wanted to try being responsible and just take it, I was honestly bracing myself there. I thought, "A couple of them will attempt to be understanding at most. Can't wait to see the ones that go 'oeh my god peadohpile'."
It's not so much that I expected this thread to blow up- it's more that I planned to show this thread to several of my friends, to whom I owed a thorough explanation. During the entirety of my time spent writing, I was fueled by anxiety over the repeating thoughts of what the hell are they gonna think?? am I conveying this properly? are they just gonna thing I'm trying to give myself excuses?? ..and so on. Turns out it wasn't so much of a suicide afterall.


The feedback I got, was.. different. Oddly enough, the key was in the timing. I'd spent several days typing out that post, rewriting parts of it so many times; I wanted to add so much more, but at some point I couldn't deal with this anymore. That's when I posted it.

I didn't think the timing would matter, but it did. My posting this thread coincided with the wake of several people: a couple of them reached out to me, about other matters. People I had not seen in ages. In talking to some of them, I eventually ended up explaining my current state, and the reason why I'd nearly lost my best friend.
I talked to Dragey, I talked to Sevrault, I talked about.. what happened. This thread came to use much quicker than expected. I'd already spent so long writing everything here, I could just refer them to this thread rather than to reword everything again.

On that day, all of my timeless friends, old and new, along with some acquaintances, have read this thread. To name a few.. Ezio, 18, WiiSpeak. Astro. Dragey. Sevrault. Snakeblock. and finally, Salty. All of these people, I owed explanations to. Several of them replied, most of them through Discord. For these replies, I am most thankful. To the best of thier ability, they actually tried to respond to my massive wall of text. Quite often, what they wrote was meaningful, constructive, and most of all, supportive.
I would never have dared to ask for this much. Finally I was getting somewhere. Thanks to mere timing, I got a productive day when I hadn't in so long. One, positive day in the sea of wasted weeks.

Armed with this strenght, I confronted the person I was most afraid to show this thread to. This led to subsequent talks, and finally, all was "resolved". There was nothing to say anymore. Everybody knew the whole story, and everybody was "cool" with one another. Rejoice.



..for it made me realize. I'd been stuck in tunnel vision for so long, I have lost sight of everything unrelated to this event. I'm still not getting by when it comes to the schoolwork. I still don't take care of myself. I still can't fall asleep at proper hours lest I'm ridiculously tired. I have made no progress at getting my life in order, at all.
And above all, I'm still a cowardly piece of shit. I won't dare to talk to several people, due to unfufilled promises or expectations.


I suck at socializing.



Okay, being overly dramatic aside.. here's my reply to Astro. Disclaimer, I ended up going on a tangent for some of these questions, as I rarely get to express these thoughts. I just go off whatever's on my mind.

Posted by AtomicAstro
I cannot say I have a bad opinion of you from this post, since I can relate to many parts of what you've talked about here, too much so for me to dislike you on any level really.

I've heard that, indeed, the former parts of this post are relatable. I'm not too surprised many feel stuck, outcasted, or just plain inferior. It may have a lot to do with the whole "not fitting in" thing, but it's not limited to that. When all you see is your failures across any timespan, it gets to you pretty fast no matter the setting. People's pity does nothing to boost your ego.
..or something. The more I hear about people, the worst the lives of each and every one of them seems. I suppose the reason you focus so much on your own life is because, you can't handle everybody else's misery. Even if you're optimistic, it's just depressing.

Posted by AtomicAstro
I'm not gonna try and be some selfish jackass and go "oh I totally understand how you feel 100%!!!!!!"

I commend you for that. It's rare to relate fully to somebody's troubles, it will instead hurt them if you're pretending. This is one of the things I watch out for the most when giving advice.
I mean heck, in media you tend to have that one character going "I know what you feel" and the other is like "n0"

Posted by AtomicAstro
Funnily enough, I've actually always thought you were pretty cool. In fact, of everyone on here you were actually someone I wanted to get to know better and talk to more but I never really bothered to out of fear mostly. I always actually thought of you as one of the people who are well above me in every way, who will probably succeed way more than me and go on to live a nice and fulfilling life. To me, you always seemed like a cool, smart, and interesting person and I wouldn't say that perception has gone away upon reading this. You always stuck out quite a bit to me in a good way, so don't say you're boring or that you "just exist" or whatever.

Now this, I wasn't aware of. I thank you for thinking highly of me, but indeed; you never really know a person until you meet them. No really, we're all pretty much in the same mess. Unless one of us strikes gold, we aren't going to be "way more successful" than one another.

I'm always up to talk if you're up to it. When trying to talk to somebody, breaking the ice is the first step. Depending on who it is and what you see them as, this can prove to be hard. If you trust that they will understand your awkwardness, you won't regret reaching out to them.
The people I can't bring myself to reach towards, are all people I already know after all.


I like to think of myself as easy to approach, at least when I'm not overly dramatical from mentally degrading events.
It's just, I'm "boring" when it comes to hobbies. This is what I was referring to specifically. Oftentimes, I end up having a back-and-forth with someone where I just give a series of disappointing replies of "no, I haven't seen this", "I don't know this", "I'm not into that sort of thing". I'm not into movies, I'm not into mainstream weaboo content, I don't do sports, and even as a gamer there are so many "must-have" games I missed out on.
This all makes me incompatible with some people, hobbies-wise. When I tell them I spend time on my computer all day, they ask me what I even do on the computer all day. Then I freeze. There's no response I can give apart from "wasting my time". Explaining any of what I do is way too hard for what it's worth. I'm not into tech-savy stuff like coding or old tech, yet I'm not your average internet goon that just eats up content made by others.

I have little culture in general, sometimes I just pretend I do in order to go with the flow. I know somebody irl that is hella into books, and I kinda just phase out of existence when they start talking about the mountain of books I should know.

Posted by AtomicAstro
This probably sounds sappy and I probably would've been better off not saying this part or talking at all really, but seeing you say this stuff about yourself I just had to say that.

I'd say, don't worry about it. In the first place your sheer effort to build up such a big reply is highly appreciated, I'm not gonna start to nitpick.

Posted by AtomicAstro
Online friends can be great, especially for people like you or me who have spent a lot of time behind a computer screen and aren't the greatest with real-world social interaction, and losing that is fucking painful.

In my opinion while it is a fault to only have online friends, this is the way I have lived for so many years. Losing my friend circle online is equivalent to offing my social life entirely.

I cannot compare online friends and IRL friends, really. I made an essay about it once, I'll try to find and share it here eventually. There are lots of things I have longed to share in an organized manner for the longest time.

Posted by AtomicAstro
Even if you did something wrong you shouldn't say that your pain in losing these people has no value and dismiss it as mere "crocodile tears", because it hurts.

This is the conflict I'd been dealing with during these two weeks. To me, these feelings are legitimate, but as the guilty party, I shouldn't be the one screaming and complaining. And yet, I was the one who cried again, and again, and again. I grew numb soon enough.
My only way to express my feelings is to wail like a victim and make people feel bad. I don't like this. When I reconciled with my best friend, the first thing I did was to be extremely dramatic and paranoid. By the time I came to my senses, I began fearing I'd messed up big time again. Being a drama queen pleases noone.

Posted by AtomicAstro
It's a good thing that you're able to fairly evaluate both what you did wrong and what your group did wrong in handling the situation. You have a good sense of fairness. You said you were unsure whether or not you were good or bad. While no person is entirely good or bad, no bad person has a good sense of fairness and no bad person would ever take the time to ponder whether or not they're good or bad. No person is without their flaws, but I can safely say that judging by everything I have read, you aren't a bad person. I may not know much, but I say that with utmost confidence.

Again, thank you for the support. These words are soothing.

I'd say anybody who witnessed what I have seen from my end would come to the same conclusion. I didn't like the methods, but I'm not blind to my own mistakes. This especially applies when said mistakes are deep-rooted; such as with that friend I mentioned so many times. It wasn't just this time or that time. It was everything, beginning to end.
I listened as much as I could to the thoughts of all the parties involved, being rather pushy towards some to get thier thoughts. This is the only way to provide myself an external viewpoint to mirror mine, and to consider all angles.

Posted by AtomicAstro
Now, I'd recommend taking everything I say next with a grain of salt given that I'm just some rando on a message board who probably has no idea what he's talking about

You may be some rando on a message board, but you're really throwing your heart out there, and it shows. I may be saying depressing replies, but don't get me wrong. Your effort wasn't wasted.

Posted by AtomicAstro
Perhaps some sort of schedule or just general stability will be of some help. You said that during school you're more capable of getting things accomplished than at home, claiming that you're almost like a different person there. Perhaps it may have something to do with the fact that it's more scheduled and stable. You'd be surprised how much scheduling can do to improve things for you, even if it may on the surface seem more "programmed". I'm terrible at this myself, since 99% of the time I end up fucking up whatever schedule I set myself and end up feeling worse about myself, so don't set unrealistic expectations on yourself when doing it.

These are great ideas, and yet it's.. almost out of reach, right now.
Mind you, there are countless little things I want to improve on, and it starts with my personal health. Sleeping at decent hours, brushing my teeth, crafting myself a schedule that's not too tight, finding a system that actively reminds me of things I forget, etc. Especially during the large span of times I spend indulging in whatever distraction.
Sleep is especially of a concern, as my messed up sleep pattern is damaging my memory. Staying up at night leads to sleeping a major part of the day, which leads to staying up til it's not worth going to sleep anymore, then falling asleep during the day anyways, and then it loops.
It's easy to get "go sleep early", but it's not always easy to negociate: take for example how my brain chose midnight to start pouring out potential replies to put into this thread. There's often something that leads me to stay up "just tonight", which ends up being every night.

Posted by AtomicAstro
You shouldn't feel bad about not being able to relate to your peers, or not feeling "good enough" relative to most people. I'm aware that's easier said than done, I know what it's like to feel worse than everyone around you and to just stand idly by as if you don't exist all the time with no ability to interact with or relate to your peers.

I can't say I go out of my way to compare myself to people, however I bear witness to this contrast between "me" and "them" all too often. I feel uncomfortable about myself and the burden I impose on my peers for what little I give in return, and yet I can't find the drive to do significant things.

Posted by AtomicAstro
Now, I can offer very little in the way of solutions, since I have similar problems of my own that I've yet to find a good way to deal with.



Posted by AtomicAstro
I'd really suggest finding someone who cares enough about you to hear what you have to say on all of this who might be able to help you through it.

At this point, I don't know about IRL anymore. It would need to be, because online.. distance and timezones impede communication, as well as planning out anything. It impedes even just hanging out with one another. It's very difficult to organize anything we could do together, despite how it would totally make our day. Back in the day we would multiplay games, do random screenshares of silly stuff, just.. enjoy one another's company, hang out and chill. All of those were experiences that balanced out the bad with some genuine fun, and balancing out the bad is something we all so badly need. Yet, doing the slightest of things with the people that need it the most has become nearly impossible.




I, cannot recall the last time I played a game with another person.


There's that. But I cannot just rely heavily on my friends as makeshift therapists, either. I'm already leaning on my best friend enough as-is, and they're deep in thier own problems along with.. depression.

Posted by AtomicAstro
You aren't a bad person and there is just too much potential within you for you not to get the help you deserve. [...] If you believe there is anyone, or just any way at all you can think of to get yourself some help then you absolutely should. Again, all I know of your situation is reading this post, so I do not claim to know how to fix your life or anything, but at the very least I can tell you that you deserve to get whatever help you may need.

I've indeed felt that I need help, professional or not. Even neverminding the psychological problems, I need somebody to support me in my endeavors, and I absolutely require to help them in return. It's the model for a mutually beneficial relationship I have been longing for-     -for years. This requires some level of committment I would fail to find in even my closest of friends. I was always of the opinion that a mutually supportive relationship between us would smooth out so many problems, but it's not so easy to apply.

My idea is that if you cannot control yourself, then you can ask for help to "remotely" control yourself. One way to do that would be friends, for they are always willing to help. If you cooperate with them and give back as much as you take, you will be able to help eachother get better. Two people that suck at managing themselves could theoretically drive one another to better themselves.

..I can think of so many people who may find some form of salvation in that, should it work as intended.
This is the fever dream, the ideal I will never let go until I see it happen.

Posted by AtomicAstro
All people are capable of doing shitty things, and nobody is an exception. I believe so long as you are aware of the seriousness of what you did and you never repeat that mistake again, and you use it to learn and grow from here, it is not an irredeemable or unforgivable offense. You seem to be aware of the consequences of your actions and you seem to be ready to accept them.

Considering the consequences are pain for all involved, that's a no-brainer. I decided to take responsibility, not just because it's morally what I should do, but because I want to do so. I have no other way to pay up.
Frankly speaking, I've piled up so many mistakes across my life that learning from them has naturally become a primary directive. Not much else I can do, these are the only experience I may rely upon. It's depressing, but when I look back I don't see the highs, I see the lows.

Posted by AtomicAstro
EDIT 2 4/6/2020: I wanted to say one last thing since I felt this wasn't made clear in the way I worded this post. I don't intend to downplay the seriousness of your offense of flirting with a minor as an adult. I have actually experienced this on the receiving end myself before, so I am definitely aware of the seriousness of this offense. While this is a serious offense, I don't believe it is irredeemable. That's mostly the message I was trying to get across in my initial post.

Indeed. As I learnt throughout this ordeal, you should never downplay the seriousness of an offense even if you yourself didn't think of it as much. It's important; just because you failed to consider how grave it was, doesn't make it any less grave to the people you've hurt.

Even just trying to reach for them afterwards to apologize felt wrong. I wanted to tie loose ends, yet I always felt like I should've just left them alone. You see, whether or not said offense is "irredeemable" was never the main question. Above all, I'm not supposed to redeem myself, am I?
What I was meant to do, as I was told by them, was two simple directives: learn from it, and move on. I failed the latter.

When I said I would take responsibility, I meant to clear those involved of unnecessary blame. For example, when you consider thier point of view, the means they relied on can be easily excused.
When it comes down to it, all you can blame is bad communication and my misdriven decisions. I don't need to blame others for it. Yes, we failed. Yes, we can't fix any of what happened. I don't need you to agonize over it. You know who you are.

Posted by AtomicAstro
I'm not sure how much of what I said will be of any value to you, and if it ends up being completely worthless or making you feel any worse in any way I'm sorry. I hope this helped in some way, even if in a small way, and I wish you the best in whatever you do and I hope you can find a way to help yourself or find people who can help you.

It's certainly not worthless. I can't judge the practical value of your reply, but as far as I'm concerned it's constructive and comforting. No complaints there.

I don't know what I'm gonna do from here on out. Everybody I see around me don't seem to be holding up well. Inner distress, parental abuse, borderline insanity from being shut-in, or just.. a deathly passive attitude. I've been hearing all kinds of stories and nobody seems to be doing well. There are also the ones that feel shitty about That Event, which I'm not particularly pleased about. I honestly don't need you to.

I'm beating a dead horse, but I have no idea how long it's gonna take for me to get over it. It's been a while now.
In the meantime, you get these posts.


AtomicAstro
Posted on Sat 04/18/20 05:13 AM Link | Reply | ID: 156860

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Posted by Thierry
First off, you have my thanks for your reply. It may not look like it, but it makes a difference. Sorry for delaying my response; all I can tell you is that I'm lost emotionally as of now.

Well, happy to hear I somewhat helped at least. At the risk of sounding selfish, I was actually pretty worried for a few days after I had made that post that I was just giving generic advice or something or other, so I'm relieved and happy to hear I at least helped to a certain extent.

No need to worry about the delayed reply. Given the nature of your issues and how hard it is to talk about these things, especially online on a public forum for many people to see when you yourself aren't even sure if you're saying what you're trying to say properly, I don't hold that against you in the slightest.

Posted by Thierry
As of late, this thread here has reached all parties involved during The Event, along with whoever else I intended for it to reach.
From there, there were some positive developments. Things were said, and communication was established once more. Progress. This does not mean we're friends again, but we're done with conflicts. No really, all that's left would be regret from all that played a part.
I can't say this matter is behind us, but the action is. Everything that was to be said, has been said. As far as I can tell, we're cool. Drop the curtain, this mess is over.

Well, that's good news at the very least. Regardless of whether or not you're friends again it's at least good you are on somewhat neutral terms now.

Posted by Thierry
On that day, all of my timeless friends, old and new, along with some acquaintances, have read this thread. To name a few.. Ezio, 18, WiiSpeak. Astro. Dragey. Sevrault. Snakeblock. and finally, Salty. All of these people, I owed explanations to. Several of them replied, most of them through Discord. For these replies, I am most thankful. To the best of thier ability, they actually tried to respond to my massive wall of text. Quite often, what they wrote was meaningful, constructive, and most of all, supportive.
I would never have dared to ask for this much. Finally I was getting somewhere. Thanks to mere timing, I got a productive day when I hadn't in so long. One, positive day in the sea of wasted weeks.

One good day is more than enough proof you are capable of functioning and making progress. You yourself even stated as much in your original post when you said you are capable of at least being functional to an extent in the right circumstances. At the risk of sounding corny, I remember hearing something once about success being "one good day repeated". If you can have those good days, then you are capable of having them again. Of course, it's obviously not that simple, I know. Just figured I'd throw it out there. You made good progress by talking to all these people and attempting to solve your problems.

Posted by Thierry
I have made no progress at getting my life in order, at all.

That is not true in the slightest. The very fact you managed to make progress within your social circle and talk to them about your issues is some level of progress. The very fact you addressed these issues to people and wrote them down in a somewhat organized manner and managed to get people to read it and give you feedback is progress. It may be small progress, but it's certainly not no progress at all.

Posted by Thierry
I'm still a cowardly piece of shit. I won't dare to talk to several people, due to unfufilled promises or expectations.

Again, no expert on your situation so take this with a grain of salt, but if your original post is anything to go by then things can go far better than you expect them to sometimes. Reaching out to these people and at least attempting to talk to them could prove worthwhile. Even if it doesn't end up making the situation better, it's at the very least better than being uncertain and afraid of what they will do.

On being a "cowardly piece of shit". You have managed to do a lot of things so far that are very difficult. You posted all of these bad things you did knowing full well what the potential consequences are because you wanted to take responsibility. You have managed to talk to these people and make things better, even if just a little. A cowardly piece of shit would not have done any of this. A cowardly piece of shit would have denied all of this and refused to take any level of responsibility. If I'm being honest, had you not so willingly taken responsibility and acknowledged where you went wrong in everything you've done despite their social consequences, there's a good chance I probably would agree you're a cowardly piece of shit. But you didn't, so to me, you're not.

Posted by Thierry
I suck at socializing.

I'm sure that on this board there are many, many people who feel you on that front, myself included.

Posted by Thierry
It's just, I'm "boring" when it comes to hobbies. This is what I was referring to specifically. Oftentimes, I end up having a back-and-forth with someone where I just give a series of disappointing replies of "no, I haven't seen this", "I don't know this", "I'm not into that sort of thing". I'm not into movies, I'm not into mainstream weaboo content, I don't do sports, and even as a gamer there are so many "must-have" games I missed out on.

I know that feeling of "I don't know this", I lack a lot of "culture" in many ways myself, though in your case I imagine it's probably a lot worse since you've endured homeschooling for much of your life. Having uncommon interests and not being "cultured" in terms of more mainstream media can feel really overwhelming when interacting with people who are knowledgeable in these things. I often hear people discussing all these movies, actors and other such things that I have no clue about and I just kind of sit idly by because I don't understand a damn thing they're saying. I can understand why it makes you uncomfortable, but it certainly does not invalidate you in any way as a person or make you "boring". Your interests just happen to align differently to everyone else's, and that's fine. If you're interacting with the right people, these things shouldn't pose a problem at all.

Posted by Thierry
In my opinion while it is a fault to only have online friends, this is the way I have lived for so many years. Losing my friend circle online is equivalent to offing my social life entirely.

I cannot compare online friends and IRL friends, really. I made an essay about it once, I'll try to find and share it here eventually. There are lots of things I have longed to share in an organized manner for the longest time.


To clarify, I did not intend to say online friends, nor the internet in general, are a surrogate for reality. I said that part because I have been in that situation before, where online interaction is my only means of a social circle and I know how important it is to you at that point. You are absolutely right, relying on the internet as a replacement for reality is not the way to go and I know this firsthand. I'm sorry if that wasn't made clear, I'm terrible at wording things sometimes.

Also, I think you should put more of your thoughts in an organized manner if it helps you. You seem to have no shortage of them clearly, and I think there are many out there who'd like to hear them. Or even if you don't intend to share them, just writing and organizing them somewhere in general is a good idea I think.

Posted by Thierry
My only way to express my feelings is to wail like a victim and make people feel bad. I don't like this. When I reconciled with my best friend, the first thing I did was to be extremely dramatic and paranoid. By the time I came to my senses, I began fearing I'd messed up big time again. Being a drama queen pleases noone

This is definitely a flaw, but again, you acknowledge it and that's a good thing. The fact that you've acknowledged it proves you've at least taken the first step to solving it.

Posted by Thierry
Mind you, there are countless little things I want to improve on, and it starts with my personal health. Sleeping at decent hours, brushing my teeth, crafting myself a schedule that's not too tight, finding a system that actively reminds me of things I forget, etc. Especially during the large span of times I spend indulging in whatever distraction.
Sleep is especially of a concern, as my messed up sleep pattern is damaging my memory. Staying up at night leads to sleeping a major part of the day, which leads to staying up til it's not worth going to sleep anymore, then falling asleep during the day anyways, and then it loops.
It's easy to get "go sleep early", but it's not always easy to negociate: take for example how my brain chose midnight to start pouring out potential replies to put into this thread. There's often something that leads me to stay up "just tonight", which ends up being every night.


This definitely seems like the sort of thing that will require some level of external help. If you lack the ability or self-control to do these things on your own, trying to force yourself to do so is damn near impossible. You said in your first post that you experience this constant cycle of making a vague plan and ultimately not following through with it and breaking down in the end. Maybe what could help is more direct involvement from external parties. Like, maybe you are actively sharing your progress with people as you are doing it as opposed to "here's the plan, now go do it". It's alright to not be able to do everything entirely by yourself, sometimes you might need to involve people if you can't take care of yourself on your own. It may be hard, but it's ultimately something fixable.

Posted by Thierry
I feel uncomfortable about myself and the burden I impose on my peers for what little I give in return, and yet I can't find the drive to do significant things.

So long as these peers value you as a person, you don't have to worry about "giving" anything. I still lack all the necessary specifics of your situation, but I understand how it feels to think that you don't give enough to certain people. I often feel this way about my family. They expend so much money and resources on me, and I feel like I haven't given nearly enough back to show for it. It's not a good feeling at all, but it's often heavily exaggerated and in some ways flat out untrue. People can value you way more than you think, even if you feel you don't "give" enough to them.

Posted by Thierry
At this point, I don't know about IRL anymore. It would need to be, because online.. distance and timezones impede communication, as well as planning out anything. It impedes even just hanging out with one another. It's very difficult to organize anything we could do together, despite how it would totally make our day.

Well, you said at some point in a thread a long time ago that you have been able to talk to your parents before. Maybe getting them more involved would be a good idea. Like, maybe actively talk to them about what you're doing and having them play a more active role in helping you.

Posted by Thierry
I've indeed felt that I need help, professional or not. Even neverminding the psychological problems, I need somebody to support me in my endeavors, and I absolutely require to help them in return. It's the model for a mutually beneficial relationship I have been longing for- -for years. This requires some level of committment I would fail to find in even my closest of friends. I was always of the opinion that a mutually supportive relationship between us would smooth out so many problems, but it's not so easy to apply.

My idea is that if you cannot control yourself, then you can ask for help to "remotely" control yourself. One way to do that would be friends, for they are always willing to help. If you cooperate with them and give back as much as you take, you will be able to help eachother get better. Two people that suck at managing themselves could theoretically drive one another to better themselves.

..I can think of so many people who may find some form of salvation in that, should it work as intended.
This is the fever dream, the ideal I will never let go until I see it happen.

I think that's a great idea. Having someone actively involved in helping you control yourself and talking to you as you're doing it will be of tremendous help if you cannot help yourself. On "giving back", though. You don't have to feel like you're giving back to them right away and it's this constant equivalent exchange throughout. That's just not really possible. In some ways you can give to that person just by showing that you're improving. When I wrote out that huge reply to you, I did not do so expecting an equivalent exchange in return. I only say this to prove the point that people who care about you and genuinely want to see you get better, such as your actual friends or other such people who you know closely, will probably not demand you give back exactly as much as you get.

It is incredibly admirable that you want to give back, even in your current state. Again, more proof that you are not a piece of shit. Pieces of shit don't want to give back to people because they don't care. I am confident that you will be able to give plenty to those who you care about eventually, but don't be afraid to take advantage of all the help you can get.

Posted by Thierry
I decided to take responsibility, not just because it's morally what I should do, but because I want to do so. I have no other way to pay up.
Frankly speaking, I've piled up so many mistakes across my life that learning from them has naturally become a primary directive. Not much else I can do, these are the only experience I may rely upon. It's depressing, but when I look back I don't see the highs, I see the lows.

The very fact that you wanted to take responsibility and you are so focused on your mistakes is a good thing.

It is human nature to focus more on the negative than the positive, so focusing more on the lows than the highs is totally normal. It makes sense from a survival perspective if you think about it. Which of these pieces of knowledge is more important: A. My baby is alive, or B. My baby will die if he steps out into those woods. Probably B, because while A is nice, it doesn't really help for much of anything. Focusing on the negative isn't a bad thing at all so long as you're using it to help yourself. That being said, don't forget about positivity. Even with all your faults and all your problems there are many good things to be said about you even in this situation, such as in how you accepted responsibility for it and accepted the consequences.

Posted by Thierry
I'm beating a dead horse, but I have no idea how long it's gonna take for me to get over it. It's been a while now.

Getting over something like this will take time. Fixing your life in general will take time. Don't worry about doing it right away, you still have plenty of time.

Apologies for the text wall, as with the last one, hope you managed to get something out of it, and I'll stop involving myself entirely if you feel I'm no longer of help and that I've expended my capabilities. Hope you can find people elsewhere who can help you, and good luck.

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